On the Fast Track

I am not old. In many ways, I still feel and act like a teenager.

But, I am on the fast track to Oldieville.

I can't see without reading glasses and often when I go searching for them, I realize I am wearing three pairs atop my head. I have big hair so there's usually a pencil or pen stuck in there too.

Since my little run-in with the car (Or, as the husband likes to point out, "You weren't hit by a car, you were hit by a shopping cart.") I am constantly icing and rubbing my knee.

Due to picking up the mother-in-law repeatedly, I am still walking a little crooked. And Pamming every time I have to sit.

Tonight is the husband's office holiday party. I'll do my best to get dolled up but I'm choosing comfort over glamour.

There's a snow/sleet/ice storm approaching. The baby once told me that only oldies have an obsession with the weather. Pretty soon, I'll be calling him "That young whippersnapper."

Forget aging gracefully. I'm on the express lane.

An Oldies Thing

There are certain things that I am convinced simply happen due to aging. I call them, "Oldies Things." Oldies things are not possessions; they are quirks and bizarre behaviors. I am comfortably settled in middle age but I watch and notice. I am developing some of these tics. Are you?

Here are a few I've noticed lately. And no, I will not tell you which ones I am also experiencing.

Wrapping everything in tissues, rubber bands, Ziploc bags or all of the above.
Repeating the same stories.
The daily diatribe about aches and pains.
Spending days on end without leaving home.
An insane focus on medications.
Constant discussions of bodily functions (and applause when the plumbing is working.)
A complete lack of interest in technological changes.
Routine. Routine. Routine.
The inability to remember your children, grandchildren, in-laws or siblings' names.
The inability to remember that a cell phone works differently than a land line.
Everyone and everything is involved in a conspiracy.
Food is the sole focus of the day.
Kids, dogs, drop-in guests make you crazy.
The weather channel and the Game Show Network are your favorites.
A never-ending compulsion with, "What's the date today AND what time is it?"
It's always cold.
Entitlements from everyone are expected: The government, children and more.

Just as I clamp my tongue between my teeth like Wild Bill, I catch myself wondering, "Is this my future?"