Giving Up Hope

My life has been pretty darn cushy thus far. But, you don't reach my age without having experienced some downfalls and disasters. I have never given up hope. I have been sad, depressed, angry and scared. Yet, hope always remains -- even when it's just a flicker.

I think the Belle gave up hope when she saw independence going away. Having her keys taken away was humiliating. Knowing that they would have to move to a facility of some sort was more than she could bear. I should've seen the signs but I didn't.

Hangdog gave up hope years ago. You could see it in his demeanor and you could experience it in a single conversation. After the Belle died, he gave up all will to live. Do you think you can will yourself to die? Some people believe this. I wasn't sure how I felt about that question but I think I just witnessed it.

When people say, "I have nothing to live for," I'm stunned. I want to say, "Of course you do. You can live with hope that tomorrow may bring a solution to the situation you're mired in. At least, live with the hope that it will be a better day."

This brilliant bit of philosophy is brought to you by the woman who still crawls on the dog pillow during difficult times.

Looking at Both Sides

I'm not a dark or depressing person. I wouldn't say I'm chipper but if I have a choice, I'll choose laughter over tears. But I seem to be drawn to artists with a dark side.

Today is a Joni Mitchell day. She's dark, mysterious, slightly weird and definitely haunting. I've put "Both Sides Now" on constant repeat on my iPod today. It's gloomy but it matches my mood. (And yet, surprisingly upbeat!)

I've sent two smart young people off into the world. I've shed lots of tears. But they were headed to bigger and better things. This is different.

Hangdog will be taken to the Home today. I have a Sharpie clipped to my shirt and I'm writing his name in everything, pretending he's going to oldie's camp. It's just like when I take the dog to the kennel and I tell her she's going to puppy camp. The exception is I do go and retrieve her. The difference is she doesn't know or care. The other difference is his stiff upper lip. I admire it and I also want to curl into a ball.

Many of you are dealing with some version of this situation. From the musical genius of Joni Mitchell, I share these thoughts:

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away.

Or ...

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads; they say I've changed
Well, something's lost but something's gained
In living every day.

Or ...

I've looked at life from both sides now
I really don't know life at all.

The beginning of the song is an obsession with clouds and how she doesn't know clouds at all. I've chosen to move beyond this weirdness because the rest of the song is poignant and heart wrenching.