Having a Spell

Last week, I met with several friends -- the workout girls. We were celebrating three birthdays and catching up on the various things in our lives. Just because my oldies are gone doesn't mean I'm not in touch with Oldieville. Some are facing surgery, some are hanging on in homes, some are waiting for the next shoe to drop. I look around at this girlfriend group and I'm certain they are willing to pick up the pieces.

We're all good friends, good daughters, good wives, good mothers/stepmothers. We all put on the chameleon suit and rise to the occasion. I looked around the table and realized that all of these women spend their days asking clients, friends, children, parents and friends: "What do you need; how can I help?" Then, she digs in and does it.

Big Sal's husband was hospitalized. Our doctor (saint-in-training) ran a battery of tests. He's probably healthier than 90 percent of the population.

She called us and said, "Pour me a margarita. He's just having a spell."

Smart women know when to stop coddling. They know when the coast is clear, your best course of action might be some laughter and a margarita with some friends.

Golden Girl Reunion

The Golden Girl reunion is coming up. It's been more than a year and I can't wait. They tease me about my choice of words but yes, I am giddy.As you know, we play the question game. We all submit questions and then dump them in a bag. No subject is off limits. We never run out of things to talk about but the questions help us catch up.

You would think we know everything there is to know about each other. We've known each other more than 30 years (and I'm being kind.)  We email (almost) every day. Jan and I talk (almost) every day. Deb is far away but we are in constant contact. If she needed us, Jan and I would be on the next plane. 

I loved school. I used to make up homework. (Yes, I am that dorky.) Plus, the journalism training kicks in and my questions need to be relevant and poignant.


I am always blown away at our ability to get to the heart of the matter.  A question may provoke a tear or a great memory laugh.  Then, we realize we're in the safety zone of our friendship and we're allowed to ask, "How are you going to handle that?"  We don't have to say it aloud.  It's implied, "How can I help?"

The husbands get a little nervous about our reunion.  I'm sure they think we spend the entire time talking about them.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We stroll memory lane and advise each other about jobs, kids, pets, etc.  We eat and drink with abandon.The three of us have seen it all.  For the most part, we've held each other's hands (or been handed a margarita.)  Death, childbirth, marriage, loss, biopsies, menopause, puberty, etc.  

My favorite part is that we don't have to explain ourselves to each other.  I/we can say, "I'm feeling weird today."  The other girls perk up and pitch in.

Just Say No

In the 80s, Nancy Reagan initiated an anti-drug campaign, "Just Say No." I'm not sure how successful it was because I keep reading about meth labs and drug-related crimes. But, the slogan stuck in my head.

Most women are pretty bad at saying "no." We'll tack on one more committee, one more commitment, one more dinner, one more project and one more appointment. Then we wonder why we're stressed and overwhelmed.

The husband and the oldies seem to have mastered the ability. Occasionally, I will suggest something to the husband and he has no difficulty saying, "No, I don't want to do that." I am still proposing activities to the oldies -- I just can't help myself -- and they have no problem saying "No."

I'm taking this in baby steps. I like mindless movies and comedies. The other night, I managed to get in bed and have possession of the remote control. The husband came in and asked, "May I change this?"

I said "No."

The Stranger I Married

Maybe you've been married 5 years, 10 years, 25 years or more. The spouse is still a stranger. You get lulled into this sense of complacency and suddenly life whacks you on the head. You thought you had it all figured out. Hah, hah -- the joke's on you.

That's part of the ride. I've often fantasized about pulling a bride aside at her reception and giving her this advice:

You are lovely, but you are clueless. He will rock your world in good ways and bad. You will do the same to him. Pick three things right now that you find amazing. Hang on to them when you hate everything about him. Watch your tongue -- hateful words are tough to hear. They tend to come back to haunt you. I hope you are both smart and funny. Those two qualities will serve you well.

My stranger still rocks my world. He's the person I look for across the room. He's always the most handsome man in the room. He puts up with my moods & my snoring. He's the person I can be crabby with. He's disappointed me; I've disappointed him. After umpteen years, he still courts me.

We're legally bound but as we all know, that can be undone. We're financially bound. That too can be unwound. We're emotionally bonded. As I always tell him, "if you ever decide to divorce me, I get you as part of my property settlement." I'll hunt him down.

The oldies and my parents have set excellent examples in marriage. Our marriage is a little different. But, we're still hanging in there.

He's my husband. He's my friend. He's the one I cling to. He's still a stranger.