When Cosmetic Surgery Goes Awry

In the last few days I've caught glimpses of two men who I used to consider very handsome. They now look like caricatures of their former selves. I don't know the names of Tony Curtis' or Tom Jones' plastic surgeons but don't go to him or her. I also used to think Meg Ryan was positively darling and she's had some freaky stuff done to her face also. And we can't forget the resident Queen of Plastic Surgery Freakland -- Joan Rivers.

Many years ago, a friend told me the optimum age to begin "refreshing" your face was right around age 40. (A deadline that blew by me several years ago.) I think she still gets annual tweaks because she continues to look fresh and younger than her years. Andrea Mitchell, the NBC correspondent, must have a great surgeon. She looks rested and natural instead of stretched and perpetually alarmed.

Like most women, I am just vain enough to wish to appear younger than my years. Lotions and potions are going to have to do the trick for me.

I thought the late actress Jessica Tandy (Driving Miss Daisy) was beautiful well into her 80s. Same with Katharine Hepburn. If they managed to age gracefully, I can attempt it too.

People Who Don't Age

Some people got out of line when God was passing out the aging gene. I'm not talking about those with a standing date for Botox or plastic surgery. I'm talking about those people who manage to look the same (or better!) with age. They are freaks of nature and somehow I've managed to surround myself with them. They are my friends, my aunts, my cousins.

Aging is on my mind because it's my mother's birthday week. She's definitely in the "freak of nature" category. She won't stand next to me for a photograph because I'm thinner. I won't stand next to her because she's starting to look younger than me and I don't need the comparison.

George Carlin, one of my favorite comedians, died recently. My dad and I used to watch his specials and howl.

Here's what he had to say about aging:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ... You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92..'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5 Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I have never been hung up on looks -- mine or other people's. I'm more focused on brains and a sense of humor. But lately, I've been doing that thing in the mirror where you pull your face up to where it used to be. (Never going to happen.)

I'm going to skip the improvements on my looks and concentrate on making me a better me.

Looking in the Mirror

I can't figure out when I started avoiding the mirror. It's been several years. I can actually do my hair and put on a slight bit of make-up without ever seeing my reflection. If eye liner is required, I can do it in 5 seconds, minimizing the mirror time.

I'm not fat and I'm reasonably toned for my age. Those three-way mirrors in the department stores are depression on a cracker. That's probably why I don't shop. I have a full-length mirror in my closet and I avoid it like I avoid birds. It gives me the creeps.

I'm not afraid of aging -- I just don't want to watch. I've earned every line. I laugh and cry often and those are the lines I'm most proud of. I could pack a lunch in my forehead but I tell myself that it just means I'm expressive.

God willing, I've got some time to go. I'm terrified of needles so I don't see any plastic surgery in my future.

Some people tell me I look exactly like my mom. They're wrong but I'll take the compliment. Sometimes, people tell me I am the female version of my dad. Ok, he's darn cute so I'll take the compliment. Once I took my Uncle Ken and Aunt Cess to the husband's office. She's my dad's sister. Everyone said, "You look so much alike. This must be your mother." I'll take the compliment.

The oldies have one of those magnifying mirrors. Can you imagine?