Making and Living the Vows

I have a few friends that are going through bumps in the road. Any time a girlfriend starts referring to her husband as "Satan," I think this girl needs a girl trip, or at least, a night out.

Although those people who get married in mid-air or under water get all the attention, most of us choose the traditional route. Lots of people write their own vows but most of us stick with the traditional ones:

I, (name) take you, (name) to be my (wife/husband.) To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Lovely words and they should be a solemn promise. I've broken it and that is something I'm not proud of.

Sometimes the pageantry gets in the way from seeing the big picture. Here's where living the vows kicks in:

To have and to hold from this day forward.
Some days you will not want to have him or hold him. He won't be very fond of you either. All brides should know that "to hold" doesn't necessarily mean the man you married -- sometimes it's just holding on to the promise.

For better or for worse.
Yes, you will have both. If you get through them, you will find your strength in these times. They can also break you.

For richer, for poorer.
I've never understood women who marry for money. One business bankruptcy, one stock market crash, a couple of bad financial decisions, etc. and it's toast. Nobody chooses poor but it's all in the definition. I don't define "rich" by my bank balance.

In sickness and in health.
I watched the Belle and the Captain. She was an amazing caretaker and certainly took more care of him than he did of her. However, in his own way, he tried very hard. He needled her about taking her meds. He was often saying, "Sit down and rest." When they were both healthy, he was quite proud to show her off.

To love and to cherish.
The love part is easy for me. Even if I am angry, my love does not falter but I don't show it very well. Cherish is a word I associate with children. Some versions of the vows replace this with "to honor and obey." I'm not talented at that "obey" thing. I'm working on cherish and honor. Obey is never going to happen. (At least I'm honest about it.)

Til death do us part.
It's a pretty clear statement. Just another example of something it took me a while to understand. Now I understand that if something goes south with this marriage, it doesn't have to be a physical death -- it would be a death of my heart.

For a reasonably smart person, I'm good at stupidity.

The word that does not show up in the traditional vows is "forgiveness."

Betrayal and Forgiveness

Lots of people have self-imposed rules of behavior. I suppose I fall in that camp, although I seem to have much higher expectations of myself than others.

Here's the kicker. I have been betrayed. I have betrayed others. I can be just flighty enough to awaken at 3:00 AM and realize that I told a story -- one that was shared in confidence to only me. Talk about feeling like a fool. Flowers don't quite cut it when you've just exposed someone else's deepest worry or fear.

My mother thinks I am way too "out there" with my life. I disagree but I will give her this little bit of wiggle room. If the husband or the children hurt me, the people who were on the end of this sad, weepy story immediately want to buy guns and a wood chipper.

This is why I believe in forgiveness. I forget the last day I was perfect. Perhaps it was my birth and I know my perfection didn't last very long. (A howling infant with frog legs was not what my parents had in mind.) Girlfriends who have crushed me are still my great friends. The husband and I have struggled for umpteen years to come to grips with our Type A personalities and choices we've made. Still, I want to roll over and find him there.

I am not a doormat. Forgiveness is a huge part of my heart and soul. It's selfish: it's for me.

But I do have a mean memory.

Shock Proof

There's a difference between legitimate shock or just being jumpy. I'm extremely jumpy but very little shocks me anymore.

People get divorced. It's sad but it no longer shocks me.

XXXX number of people were killed in the Middle East today. It no longer shocks me.

Some politician (local, national, international) has done something corrupt. It no longer shocks me.

Teenagers push the limit, get caught and still do some stupid things. This is not a shock to me.

Marriage is a marvel of good times and bad times. It took me a long time to learn this but it no longer shocks me.

Sometimes people who you think are on your side will throw you under the bus. I forgive. And, I'm never shocked -- just disappointed.

The moment you're flip enough to think all is under control, God has other plans. Doesn't shock me.

The cutest and most animated puppy in the litter will turn out to be the dog that's hardest to train. Doesn't shock me and doesn't stop me.

Jumpy is harder to cure.