When is it ok to tell?

When someone tells me something in confidence, I keep the secret. Oh, I've messed up a few times but mainly because I didn't realize it was supposed to be private. I have hung onto some nuggets with my tongue clamped between my teeth and a serious need for duct tape.

I usually ask if it's OK to share with the husband. If the answer is no, I don't do it. If the secret is coming from the husband, I usually ask if I can tell my parents. (I have to have someone to talk to.) I also ask, "Who else knows?" I'm big on perspective of the whole picture.

My one rule about secrets is this:
If someone is endangering his or her life, health or sanity, all bets are off.

I don't keep a lot of secrets about myself. But, if something is really festering, I may choose not to talk about it for awhile. People know to let me brood -- I will tell them in due time.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she made an off-hand remark: "That's why I never disclose anything." She doesn't. I understand the fear of getting hurt or embarrassed but sometimes sharing is the quickest road to recovery -- even when the advice isn't what you want to hear.

Respect

I was taught to respect my elders and those in positions of authority. Some people think this means total wimping out. I disagree. It means you clamp your sassy tongue and speak your mind in a respectful way. If you disagree with your parents, you make your case calmly and honoring their position. If you get pulled over by a policeman, it's a good idea to call him "Sir." He's putting his life on the line every day; I think he's earned it.

Labor Day is a big, big day at our club pool. Everyone seems to want a last breath of summer fun before the pool closes. This year, I planted myself in Cocktail Corner for the weekend. (I went home to sleep.)

I am way over the fashion statement of boy's pants below the equator. I don't want to see their underwear.

Most of the children/teens are taught at a young age to obey the rules, abide by the dress code, etc.

But there was this young man ...

He had a skateboard directly behind the lifeguard chair. Lots of little kids were running around so I asked the lifeguard to have him to move it out of the pool area.

Later, his pants kept swimming lower and lower. Not only was he not wearing swim trunks -- his Ralph Lauren whities were on full display, along with half of his behind. I politely asked him to pull his pants up. I believe I said something like this:

"You may not realize it but this is a private club and we have a dress code. There are tons of children running around."

In a way that I would've never imagined, he got in my face.

"I don't see a dress code posted anywhere, Bi***." (Cute, huh?)

I decided to ignore him but our club manager showed up and asked to know whose guest he was. The young crowd he was with became extremely respectful. He was asked to leave. As he exited the pool, he pulled his pants all the way down.

This is a young man who is going places. (Maybe prison?) His parents must be so proud.

A Matter of Public Record

I am a huge fan of the Freedom of Information Act. I believe journalists and the public-at-large should have access to court documents, legislation or any information that impacts our country and world. I am one of the people who actually watches C-Span when there's a bill I'm concerned about.

On the flip side, I believe in privacy. It's a pretty tough dance when it becomes personal.

There are different rules for different people. Public figures are fair game. I think that keeps a lot of talented people out of politics, which I find scary. We've scared some of our brightest and brilliant people away from public office because who knows what the opponent might dig up.

Here's the flaw in the system:

If you got married, it's a matter of public record. If you lived with a bunch of people, it's not.
If you got divorced, it's a matter of public record. If you fathered a few illegitimate children, it's not.
If you got arrested in college or later, it's a matter of public record. If you shot heroine between your toes but told no one, it's not.
If your credit is lousy and you file for bankruptcy, it's a matter of public record. If you're cleaning it up, nobody cares.

There are people who live life and obey the rules. I try to be this person but I have broken many of society's rules. I don't know these people who have done it all perfectly but I hear that they are out there.

Different Rules for Different People

This is a slight twist on the haves and have nots. It's more like people who have sense and those who do not.

Someone forgot to give me the rule sheet. Come to think of it, I don't want it.

I've watched people annihilate their spouse with words and a tone of voice they would never use while speaking to their children or their parents. I've done it myself.

I've watched people discipline a pet with words and actions they would never use on a person.

I've seen friends gang up on another friend (from kindergarten to middle-age) and forget that they might be the next target.

I've heard about people who (in a fit of rage) say some pretty hateful things to their children like, "I wish you'd never been born." I don't want to know these people.

We all get to make choices. And yes, I am completely guilty of letting my mouth shoot out of the gate before the logical side of my brain catches up. I get to choose the rules for me and you get to choose yours.

My parents are allowed to say anything to me. They are allowed to be brutally honest. It's a relationship that's built on trust so I don't want the kid-glove treatment. (I've never had it so I would freak out.)

A small circle of friends is allowed to ask or tell me anything. The rule is when we say, "To the grave," we honor it.

The daughter is strong and opinionated. She can tell me what's on her mind and how I could've handled it better. My only caveat is to remind her that she hasn't walked in my shoes.

The husband should be able to discuss everything with me but we have a long habit of getting prickly. Walking out of the room is our universal signal for "this conversation is over."

Society's rules keep changing on me. What used to be taboo is now the norm. I'm not great with change so I'll stick with the morals I'm trying to live up to and the rules I've chosen for myself.

Lucky Number

Do you have a favorite or lucky number? Mine is three.

Except for today. Today, I am watching the clock and if all goes according to my carefully orchestrated travel schedule, the oldies will be back in three hours.

In order to preserve my sanity and restore my favorite number to its rightful place, I've made three new rules:

1. I am unavailable between the hours of 9am and 5pm. My work and my writing has to come first.
2. IF the car is repaired and IF the husband agrees to let her drive on occasion, I reserve the right to make the judgement call of instability and take the keys away.
3. Assisted-living decisions will be made and executed within three months.

I'm feeling better but the oldies won't know what hit them.

That little declaration of independence felt so good, I made three more:

1. If there's somewhere they need to go, they can call a cab or investigate senior transportation options.
2. Frying will be kept to a minimum.
3. Any new food added to the pantry is only allowed after they've eaten all the junk that's already in there. If not, I will follow the husband's lead and just throw stuff away.

Welcome back oldies. It's a whole new day.