Resolutions

It's 2009. Did you make resolutions?

In years past, I attended a New Year's Eve party with friends and at some point during the evening, everyone was to list a resolution for him or herself (unsigned) and drop it in the hat. After midnight, we read them aloud and guessed who resolved what. Lots of the people at the parties were extremely creative types and it made the game more fun.

New Year's does not usually feel like a fresh start to me. Even though I'm a few decades past school age, the back-to-school time always gives me that feeling. But this year is different in good and awful ways. So with that frame of mind, I'm making a few resolutions that I will keep private and I'm making a list that I will share:

1. I may cut back in other food groups but I will eat ice cream anytime I feel like it.

2. Laughter is contagious and I will be a carrier.

3. Instead of feeling weird when faced with that married/single/divorced option on forms, if I check "Divorced" I may add, "AGAIN!"

4. I will not let the awkwardness of being a fifth wheel keep me from gatherings.

5. I will happily say no to things I do not wish to do. No excuses. I'm just not going to do it, thank you for asking.

6. If someone asks me a nosy question, I will remind myself that I am under no obligation to answer.

7. I will guard my reputation in situations I can control. I will be at peace with my character by the decisions I control. What I can't control, I will let go.

8. I will not assume the best about people who have taken the time and energy to show me their worst.

9. I will remember that no one knows me better than me so it's probably best if I speak for myself.

10. With the exception of black pants, black skirts and white shirts, I will remind myself that owning two (or more) of certain things is excessive. (Sorry, no one can own too many black pants.)

11. I will not look in the mirror at my lines with dismay. I will say, "I laughed and I cried. I have earned these wisdom lines -- many with an awful cost. Hi me! Let's see what adventures we can have this year."

12. I will embrace the road ahead of me while hugging the bumps that led me here.

13. I will never again again think I have the power to change someone.

14. I will volunteer more.

15. I will approach conflicting opinions with an open mind. Convince me. Show me what I have not considered. If you can do it with humor, you are guaranteed my attention.

2009 is a blank slate, ripe with opportunity. Happy New Year.

Breakfast With Santa

Yesterday, I went with my friend Lynn to her nephews' school for Breakfast with Santa. We were volunteer elves to take the photos, although most parents and grandparents brought their own cameras.

We gave ourselves elf nicknames. Lynn's was Booger and mine was Depression. It was 7:30 in the morning -- we found everything funny.

The party was quite the todo! Breakfast included sausage and pancakes. Besides visiting with Santa, there were booths with many other things for the children to do. There was also a live reindeer that the children could pet. Lynn knocked a few children out of the way to take this picture of me and the reindeer. I decided to forego sitting on Santa's lap. Even he couldn't handle my wish list this year.

The Mom Finger Wag

Chances are you've been on the receiving end of the Mom Finger Wag. Odds are pretty good that you may have done it yourself. It's pointing your finger at a child while you're scolding or making a point. (My mom preferred the head thump.)

Our city has one east-to-west street that is renowned for crime. I swear every time I read of a murder or drive-by shooting, it's on (or near) this street. It's a major thoroughfare and lots of people travel it everyday. I use it but I'm also pretty cautious to make sure my doors are locked and I make eye contact with no one.

The other night, after leaving the dreadful "I killed a goat" party, my friend and I needed to be on this street for three blocks. We're chatting and laughing. At an intersection where she had the right of way, a group of young men almost ran the light.

She pointed and did the Mom Finger Wag.

I started screaming, "Are you crazy? People get killed for less than that!"

Then I became obsessed with looking behind us to make sure they hadn't turned around to follow us.

Obviously we are okay but for a while there, I was sure we were going to be the goat.

Religion, Sex and Politics

The rule of polite society: don't discuss religion, sex or politics. Probably money too. Here's another example where I break the rules. I don't want to inflict my theory or beliefs on you -- I want to know what you think.

Prior to the VP debate with Biden and Palin, we were having dinner with friends. I was dancing with both candidates -- where they could excel and where they might embarrass themselves. One of my closest friends disagreed with me.

I talk to him a lot. During every election of the last 12 years, he is my touchstone. On election night, we have talked repeatedly -- all night. I know I can call him. I know he will be awake.

On the way home from this dinner, the husband said, "I think he's really mad at you."

He was probably miffed at me. I'm sure I annoyed him. But I think I called him at least five times during the debate and he answered the phone every time.

Part of my love for this man is he allows me to be me. We're free to agree or disagree. He can throw up his hands and say, "I cannot believe you said that!" I can roll my eyes.

The next debate is tonight. I will call him.

The election is less than 30 days away and I will be calling him all night.

Transfer of Power

For an only child, I have a lot of sisters. I have my goldies. I have my girlfriends. I have ny cousins and aunts. I also have the lady above who grew up, got married and birthed three children.

Like true sisters, we sometimes have to compete or compromise. She has her own parents but she has captured a humongous part of my parent's hearts. I am so grateful for their relationship.

My parents have decided to weed through Christmas ornaments and decorations. They're downsizing. My sister has three little ones; my little ones have flown the coop. I do not need more Christmas decorations. In my will, the Christmas stuff I have will go to my sister and our children.

But ...

I'm vacillating. Some of these might be important to me.

The last time I decorated a tree with my parents, I was 17-years old. My sister has been there for most of the decorating, candy-making, etc. for more than 30 years.

If I'm honest with myself, I know she can and should take whatever she wants. I want to be the monitor. It's the control freak in me.

We've picked a date to go through stuff. She invited me. You might think I would find this offensive. Instead, I thought what a gift she is to all of us.

But, if we disagree on an ornament, I will wrestle her skinny butt to the ground and I will win.

The Sophomore Year

The baby is back in school. It's his sophomore year and I am jealous. I think the sophomore year is the most fun -- none of that freshman panic and none of the junior and senior year pressures. Here's what's great:

You know your way around.
You've made new friends that you can't wait to see again.
You have a better understanding of your own study habits and how to accomplish your goals.
You're not low man on the totem pole -- freshmen seek your advice.

The pictures above are from the first night of returning to school for my sophomore year. We spent the summer apart, working our little jobs and doing family things. On that night, we all agreed we mostly spent the summer counting down the days until we could be back together. We did not have email or cell phones. No one had ever heard of texting because it hadn't been invented yet. So, we got through the summer and when we met up again, we danced.

In the movie, "Groundhog's Day," Bill Murray lives the same day over and over. If I could live one year over and over again, it would be my sophomore year of college.

Oh, I Could Never Tell My Parents That!

In my childhood, my mother was the Sergeant and I was the private-in-training. She took this job seriously and I am grateful. We tangled, we fussed and we certainly had our years of tussles.

I'm not sure how she did it. She let me go from the child she was responsible for to a friend. To his credit, my father was and is a great buffer.

Lots of my friends are close with their parents. They love them and care for them. I try to do the same and I know I make them crazy sometimes. My mother still falls into drill Sergeant mode and I still become the rebellious child. (This is usually when one of us hangs up.)

We have our own version of communication. If I do something stupid or embarrassing, I tell my mother and she tells my father. If I'm scared, I do not hesitate to tell them. If I'm angry, I like to tell my mother because I'm convinced she has some magical powers and maybe she can put the whammy on them.

We're all clued in that we talk about each other. If I'm with my father, my mother is certain we are dissecting her. When she says to me, "your father and I were talking last night." I get a little nervous. My father gave up long ago -- he knows we discuss him.

I've tried to figure out how this works and I think it comes down to brutal honesty and wacky humor. When my father had a bad reaction (not life-threatening) to a medication last week, my mother described it to me in detail. I laughed so hard the husband was considering CPR.

Random Memories

Today, I drove up a main steet in my city and I passed the spot where my friend Laurel was killed in a car accident. I gave a little wave.

Today, I made my bed and threw the pillow that Patsy made for me on the covers.

Today, I made fruit salad and I put it in one of Bobbie's bowls.

Today, I dusted the guest room and spent a considerable amount of time thinking about and missing the oldies.

Yesterday, I showed up for a doctor's appointment on the wrong day. I thought about Wild Bill and how easily he was distracted.

My crazy grandma was included. I wore some flip flops in her honor.

Texting

I am a dinosaur. I try to keep up with technology and then I get overwhelmed. I am so far behind the times it becomes absurd. I think I'm really hip (no one says that anymore, do they?) that I know how to blog and post comments.

Yesterday, the baby showed me how to send and receive text messages. I don't know all the lingo or shortcuts but now I'm a mad woman on a mission. I also (half way/sort of) learned how to program my phone.

My iTunes library had lots of duplicates so I worked on cleaning that up. It was definitely a techie day. Several of my friends will be relieved that I am trying to catch up with the times.

Friendship Redefined

This is going around the Internet and one of my goldies sent it to me:

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad
like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt...and then help you up.

This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
'because you are my friend'.

I have my own version and it's a little sappier:

1. When you are sad -- You can cry on my shoulder but you might have to pay the dry cleaning bill.
2. When you are blue -- I will remind you that blue eyeshadow went out of style for people our age a long, long time ago.
3. When you smile -- I will crack a smile myself. If you're happy, it makes me happy.
4. When you're scared -- I will dream about it. I will get angry with you because you're supposed to be stronger than me. I will listen and say a prayer.
5. When you're worried -- I will fret with you. I will not let you whine. Okay, maybe a little bit...
6. When you're confused -- I'll be in the hunt. I'll google it. I'll research it. If it's emotional confusion, see number one.
7. When you're sick -- I'll bring you food, although I may leave it on the front porch.
8. When you fall -- I will remind you that you never fall or fail in my eyes.

Time to Fly

This is my friend, Nate, headed off for his first day of school. He's five-years old and the grandson of my buddy, Big Sal. He coined the phrase, "I all done," which I use all the time.

In a few short days, my friend Cynthia will watch her youngest start the college adventure.

There's no easy way to let go. Waving at them on the bus as they head off to kindergarten is tough. Walking out the door as you leave them in a college dorm is a mixed jambalaya of pride and tears.

All you can hope is they have roots and wings.

thirtysomething

In the 80s, I loved the show "thirtysomething." Some found it cloying and annoying (mostly men) but I was a faithful viewer. They dealt with a lot of real issues and it was an interesting mix of friends.

I'm thinking about this because yesterday was the daughter's birthday and she is 30-something. I did not birth her but I have been around for a long time. I have witnessed several of her phases, as she has witnessed mine. Her mother deserves most of the credit for the person she is today but the other parents had a hand in the effort.

Our relationship has been pretty honest, even when it's painful. I prefer it that way and she insists on it. It saves a lot of time and heartache when you don't have to dance around things. You can just say, "I'm angry and here's why." Of course, you must be prepared for the response. Usually, it's "I'm angry too. Here's why." I have this kind of relationship with my mother and I value the same with the daughter.

She's made choices I would not have made; she's made choices I envy. I"m prejudiced but I think she's smart, brazen and beautiful. Even when we disagree, we're on the same team. Lots of families don't have this gift.

Happy Birthday Week JC!

Shooting Stars

When we visit our friends' lake cottage, one of our favorite activities is nighttime boat rides. Since we never eat dinner until after the sunset, late night rolls in quickly. We argue about the music, we sing along and we watch for shooting stars. Everyone can find the big and little dipper, the North Star and we can point out planes and satellites.

Although we've been doing this for years, one of our friends had never seen a shooting star. By some fluke, she always managed to be looking down or in another direction when one would happen. It became a mission for her to see one.

Last weekend we had a debate about what makes a shooting star. (It's a meteor entering the atmosphere.) During the debate, we saw a vivid one.

The streak, so to speak, is over.

Friends versus Acquaintances

From the Oxford American Dictionary:

Friend: A person with whom one is on terms of mutual affection and respect.
Acquaintance: A person one knows slightly.

I'll add two more:

Relative: A person who is related by parentage or descent or marriage.
Stranger: A person one does not know.

Wouldn't it be nice if relationships were this easy to define? I have relatives who are friends and relatives who are strangers. I have acquaintances that I trust more than some relatives. I have friends that are sometimes strangers. I have friends who know it all. I consider some of my friends in the relative category.

The husband and I spent the weekend with friends. We all know way too much about each other but there's a level of trust there. We also know (or know about) each other's children and parents.

The words "trust" and "love" didn't show up in any of the definitions. Guess we get to define that for ourselves.

Hard To Hear

Bad news is hard to hear. I'm not talking about catastrophic things, just the mundane day-to-day stuff -- everything from your checking account is low to flaws in your behavior. Criticism is difficult but I have gotten better with trying to learn the lesson. I have a lot of respect for people who summon the courage to deliver unsolicited but necessary advice.

I've been on the receiving end lately. I stew. I mull it over. I am human so sometimes I get angry and other times I cry. No one likes to have their faults listed or to hear negative things about their family. But, I respect the perspective and I recognize everything is seen in a prism, depending on what's going on in your life.

The Belle and my mother agreed on many things. One of them was that I tell people far too much about my life. That is true. I think the bigger fault is that I expect too much -- from myself and others. Someone is always going to be disappointed.

Different Rules for Different People

This is a slight twist on the haves and have nots. It's more like people who have sense and those who do not.

Someone forgot to give me the rule sheet. Come to think of it, I don't want it.

I've watched people annihilate their spouse with words and a tone of voice they would never use while speaking to their children or their parents. I've done it myself.

I've watched people discipline a pet with words and actions they would never use on a person.

I've seen friends gang up on another friend (from kindergarten to middle-age) and forget that they might be the next target.

I've heard about people who (in a fit of rage) say some pretty hateful things to their children like, "I wish you'd never been born." I don't want to know these people.

We all get to make choices. And yes, I am completely guilty of letting my mouth shoot out of the gate before the logical side of my brain catches up. I get to choose the rules for me and you get to choose yours.

My parents are allowed to say anything to me. They are allowed to be brutally honest. It's a relationship that's built on trust so I don't want the kid-glove treatment. (I've never had it so I would freak out.)

A small circle of friends is allowed to ask or tell me anything. The rule is when we say, "To the grave," we honor it.

The daughter is strong and opinionated. She can tell me what's on her mind and how I could've handled it better. My only caveat is to remind her that she hasn't walked in my shoes.

The husband should be able to discuss everything with me but we have a long habit of getting prickly. Walking out of the room is our universal signal for "this conversation is over."

Society's rules keep changing on me. What used to be taboo is now the norm. I'm not great with change so I'll stick with the morals I'm trying to live up to and the rules I've chosen for myself.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Are you singing yet?

"Sock it to me, sock it to me..."

I'm a voyeur. A few years ago, a friend of mine decided to change her life. In her terms, it meant no more bullsh** and I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do. I respected it but I also kind of brushed it off as a mid-life thing. As an outsider looking in, I remember thinking the people who give her the most problems and the most pleasure are the people she values most. She married one of them. She gave birth to a couple of them. One of them gave birth to her. You cannot control these relationships. I hate this expression but, they are what they are.

When the oldies moved in with us, the elephant in the room was the alpha male position. Hangdog was used to being the head of the household. So was Big Daddy. The Belle was used to doing things her way. So was I. We worked our way through the maze and usually found compromise.

As you know, I tend to tell my parents everything. I'm not sure this is normal. We disagree on many things but Aretha would be proud, we do it with respect. (Or we just hang up.)

I'm taking a lesson from my friend. You (my friends, my parents, my relatives, the children, the husband) can tell me anything and I will listen. I will try to learn and correct my faults. There's one caveat: Please speak to me with respect. For who I am and who I want to be. For what I've given you and what you've given me. Respect our history. Respect my phase in life and expect the same in return. Actually, demand it.

Mothers get a free pass on some of these things. Every once in a while, I try to dodge a question. There's a reason Wild Bill called her, "The Prosecutor." She will get it out of me. It takes about 20 seconds.

Aretha would be proud. All it takes is a little prodding...

"Just a little bit... Just a little bit."

Manipulators

During an email conversation with the Golden Girls this week, one of them mentioned that her daughter has become a little manipulator. We disagreed on the word manipulator but we all agreed that daughters have a way with fathers. We debated whether fathers have a blind spot or just a soft spot for daughters. I think it's both.

I'm 44-years old and my father still has a soft spot for me. He expresses his concerns to my mother and then she gets to have the tough talk with me. I see the "she walks on water" look in the husband's eyes when we discuss the daughter.

It makes me sad for the millions of children who grow up without fathers. Boys, of course, need the stability, love and support of a father. They also need a role model. Girls all deserve to grow up with a man who thinks the sun rises and sets on them. My belief is that it creates a stronger sense of self with the reliable cushion of knowing you are loved.

I asked my friends these questions: "Didn't we do this when we were young? Didn't we know which parent to ask and always know Dad would be more likely to say yes?"

The best answer was, "I didn't ask. I just went ahead and did it."

Touche!

Different Kinds of Loss

Loss hurts. Like most things in life, there are different degrees of pain.

Some examples:

You have a basket with loose socks -- the mates are lost.
You lost an important phone number or document.
You lost a bet.
You lost a job, a client or a significant business deal.
You lost the ability to do something that you had taken for granted.
You lost a spouse through death or divorce.
You lost a friend through death or disagreement.
You lost a parent or two, or in-laws.
You lost a child.

I can't fathom that last one but I know far too many people who have survived it. They are my heroes.

There were times in the last few years that I was certain I had lost my mind.

Super Bowl

The husband and I attended a fabulous Super Bowl party. Great food and great friends. Plus, the team we were cheering for actually won. (It wasn't our local team but the next best thing.)

At one point I caught myself with a plate of incredible food, surrounded by people having a wonderful time and I felt guilty for my laughter.

Ah, the stages of grief.