Mother's Day Guilt

Mother's Day is this weekend and it's shaping up to be a calamity.

As an only child, I've always spent time with my parents -- together and separately. I usually take my father to dinner on his birthday and to celebrate Father's Day. My mother and I have attended a local Decorator's Showhouse for the last 20 or so years. That's my gift to her. We also go to a Mother/Daughter dinner. Most mothers of grown children will tell you that their perfect Mother's Day is time alone to do whatever they want ... plant flowers, read a book, go to a movie. I am a card-carrying member of this club.

I tried to convince the husband that he should take his mother out to celebrate Mother's Day. She's not willing to go without his father and my husband's not willing to go without me. So, once again, the guilt falls on me. All he has to do is say, "Please be in my corner on this one," and I'm agreeing to something I do not want to do.

He wants to honor her and I respect that. Couldn't we just send some flowers?

Technology

I'm not super-smart and I'm not dumb. I'm muddling through the middle.

The mother-in-law often awes me. She's trying to understand her cell phone and its various features. We've had lesson after lesson about how to check voicemail on the cell phone and the home phone. She's almost there! Every electronic gizmo has multiple remotes. She's mastered the ones she needs.

An editorial I read recently went through the changes we've all experienced in the last 20 or so years related to technology. Manual typewriter to electric typewriter to desktop to laptop to Blackberry. Eight-track tapes to cassettes, 45s to albums to CDs, Beta or VHS -- now DVDs and Tivo. Not to mention the Internet.

I have great respect for people who keep learning.

Caregiving

I hope there's a special spot in heaven for people who have been caregivers. I also hope you get to spend some time alone there.

I know people who have and/or still are caring for aging parents. I know people who care for siblings. Unfortunately, I know people who have become caregivers for their ill children. (They deserve the penthouse.)

As an only child, I had my own room and a lot of privacy. I still crave that.

Friends in High Places

I have always known that I am blessed. I grew up surrounded in love. I've made more than my share of mistakes and I've always had people in my corner. The husband and the children are supportive, even when they're rolling their eyes at my many quirks. My parents provide goodies and gifts. They have turned themselves inside out to help whenever they can. My girlfriends are there (every day!) for advice and counsel about every aspect of life. Many of my girlfriends are also living with the quandaries associated with elder parent care.

Living with the oldies has added a new dimension to friendship. Our doctor, who is also a personal friend, now regularly stops by to check on them. One of our attorneys, who is also a personal friend and neighbor, often provides referrals and advice. I could go on ... judges, dentists, more attorneys, accountants ... they are all so willing to jump in and help. (The husband hangs with some pretty good company.)

I never want to take advantage of these friends. Yet, it doesn't stop me from picking up the phone.

The Road Trip

This is a story about a great idea that will turn into a nightmare. I am not psychic but I am able to determine when a situation will turn into a disaster.

The mother-in-law has decided she would like to hire one of the grandchildren to drive them around for a few weeks this summer to visit relatives and friends. I would love this! She would get to have an adventure and the husband and I could enjoy some time together and spend time with our child who is headed to college in August.

Here's the disaster: None of her grandchildren will want to do it. I am certain of it. She is going to have hurt feelings and the grandchildren will feel guilty. In the end, they won't go anywhere. These kids all have jobs, plans, friends, love interests, etc. None of them want to give up a chunk of their summer to deal with walkers, relatives they don't know, possible falls and sickness or whatever else might happen.

When I was 16-years old, my mother became a caregiver. She continued for the next several years with parents and other relatives. I was no help whatsoever. In fact, I wanted to run in the other direction. And, I did. Therefore, I cannot have any hard feelings about teenagers and young adults who do not wish to be put in this situation. They're all respectful and loving. Hanging with the oldies is not their idea of a good time.

Come to think of it, it's not mine either.

Comments

I've been overwhelmed with comments. So many people are living with versions of this situation.

The positive include: "funny," "honest," and "thought-provoking."
The negative include: "disrespectful, "bitter" and "sad."

My personal favorite comes from Sarah Crossman Sullivan, attorney and consultant. (In the interest of full disclosure, she's also my cousin.)

Be proud of the fact that you have chosen this life and this
time. You could've walked away at any moment and rightfully said, "I'm
done. These are not my parents." Instead you are choosing to fight
and figure out what's best. In these choices, you are doing God's
work.

A New Twist on Carry-Out Food

Why do people buy carry-out food? Personally, I do it to avoid cooking.

The mother-in-law bought a rotisserie chicken, plucked all the meat off of it and fried it in butter. Then she dumped a bunch of gravy on it. I didn't stick around to see how it was served.

The irony of this is I met some friends for dinner and ordered something fried.