Happiness Guilt

How weird is this? I am beating myself up for being happy. My life is in shambles yet, I have peace of mind and joy in my heart.

Then I feel guilty for not being miserable.

Many people who know a portion or even all of my current problems ask me, "How are you?" with that Oh-You-Poor-Dear tone of voice. I probably sound ridiculous when I answer, "Great!"

For the first time in years, I like the person in my mirror. I am truly excited about the choices before me -- even the dreadfully difficult ones. I am strong and I like it. I just need to work on the guilt part.

I Love You but I Don't Like You Right Now

Do you experience this feeling? I do. A lot. I also tend to zoom in on one occasion, one comment, one offense and fret about it. The other day, one of my friends told me to "let it go." Good advice but I'm not skilled at it. I prefer to beat it to death. I'm convinced it's a genetic disease.

Anyone who's been in a marriage or a relationship for longer than six months knows this feeling. I don't trust people who won't admit to it. They may be kidding themselves but they're not kidding me.

You might think I'm only referring to marital relationships but that is not true. I've been in this place with friends, children and parents. Okay, truthfully, with the parent thing, it's only my mother because my father lets her do the dirty work. This does not make him weak; it makes him smart. I could not hang up on him but my mother and I have moved it to an art form. It's not an offense -- one of us immediately calls back.

I think this is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child. The ability to speak his or her mind, the ability to apologize, the ability to stand back and realize where the fault may be. The ability to argue a position and make the case.

In my childhood, I was allowed to disagree. I was allowed to make my case. Sometimes I won and sometimes I lost but I learned to do it respectfully.

Neither of my parents are attorneys, nor am I. But, they would've served our judicial system well.

Guilt

I'm good at guilt. I can inflict it on others and I'm really good at self-infliction. Lately I feel guilty about:

My church attendance.
A doctor's appointment I should attend but I'm going to the lake instead.
The husband and not being there for his worries.

I mess up every day... multiple times. I like this quote, attributed to Abraham Lincoln. "It really hurts me very much to suppose that I have wronged anybody on earth."

90 Minutes of Fun

A recent study in Women's Health Magazine announced that men spend an average of 90 minutes more fun time each day than women.

To which, I say, "Duh!"

I can only comment on what I see in my world. Here's what I see:

Women with young children who bear the bulk of the child care.

Women who work outside the home and then come home to do the majority of the household stuff.

Women (like the Belle) who devote their entire lives to making sure their spouse is happy.

Women who feel guilty if they read a book or take a bubble bath when there's work to be done.

Women who can balance a baby on one hip (child or grandchild) while loading a grocery cart, unloading the trunk and making something for dinner.

Women who visit friends in the hospital, parents in assisted living and children who might need a hug.

Women who stand by their husbands when he needs it.

Women who know how to use pliers, the snow blower, the lawn mower and more.

Women who juggle a social calendar for their spouse, the never-ending calendar for their children and the medical appointments for the entire family.

Women who wear boots because they couldn't find a pair of matched socks.

Women who know where the spare set of keys are located. All of them.

Women who don't need to scroll through the contact list. They know all of the numbers by heart.

Women who file the paperwork, whether it's insurance or the accountant.

Women who automatically know if the household is low on milk or light bulbs.

Women who suffer and live with arthritis, MS or even more dire circumstances but they still leap the fence for someone they love.

Women who learned the latest technology because that's the preferred way to keep in touch with their children or grandchildren.

Women who make daily to-do lists and later realize there is nothing on the list about their life or their needs.

Sorry guys. I suspect a lot of you owe your wife, daughter and mother a big "Thank You" for keeping your life in order.

Letting Go

I don't let go easily. It may be people or things but there's a reason they're in my life and I'm a clinger. Within the past few years, I've had to let go of:

The oldies -- shocking.
The daughter who moved to Texas. Expected, but hard.
The baby who grew up and moved to the college life.
Mentors and business associates who have retired or moved on.
Friends who died too soon.
A beloved pet.

I've also had to let go of some dreams and perceptions. That "slap-you-in-the-face" reality is a downer.

I need to let go of some clutter. I'm being swallowed by books and papers.

Mostly, I need to let go of some expectations and the load of guilt I can't seem to shake. I wish they made a magic pill for that.

Ah, Sunshine!

My mood is lightened already. Blue skies and ample sunshine have a restorative power for me.

Nothing has changed at home. And yes, I still feel guilty for being away while Hangdog is facing major surjery on Friday. But, as everyone has explained (numerous times) to me, there is nothing I can do.

So, I will head out for a walk in the sunshine. I will go to the beach with my friends. Later we'll play corny games and watch a movie;

I will eat my way through tons of fresh seafood. I will steal quiet time with a book.

The disasters will still be waiting for me when I get home so for now I'm going to soak up every moment I can. And, I'm going to bask in the sunshine.

Feeling Like a Fool

I'm not sure if Hangdog's plot was successful or I'm a total idiot. Maybe both.

His hip is not just broken, it's shattered. Bone fragments and metal pieces have run amok. Throw in his heart condition and we're having some really enlightening conversations of the pros and cons of surgery. That is, if we can find an orthopedic surgeon who thinks this might be plausible And, if the brothers agree this is a good idea.

I'm still getting on a plane tomorrow morning, albeit with a heavy heart and a ton of reservations.

My self examination tonight is not good. If this were the Belle versus Hangdog, I would've been in the waiting room all day. I'm not proud of myself. Our doctor assures me there is nothing to be done and he is resting comfortably. But the guilt lingers.

Another Sleepless Night

We're sleeping in fits and starts. I don't really know what that means but it seems to be appropriate.

The husband and I went to visit Hangdog in the Home this morning. Beforehand, we had our coffee, competed on the crossword and did our normal routine. (Repetition gives me comfort.) Then the husband said, "Want to know what I was thinking about at 3:00 a.m.?"

I'll give you a few clues:

Guilt
Benefits, insurance, etc.
Obituaries
Funeral Plans
Financial things that need to be done
Paperwork and more paperwork

Yep, I was awake too and thinking about many of the same things.

Assisted Living

Just so you know the husband and I are not two idiots sitting around and waiting to see what ailment, fall, disease is going to plague us next, the answer is,"Yes, we are looking into assisted living." It's overdue and we both know it. So, we're investigating and having pretty frank conversations with the oldies.

They both consider it Being Sent To The Home. But, in their own way, they understand.

The oldies raised four boys. Only the husband and one of his brothers seems to give a hoot. The brother that lives in Texas is investigating facilities in their area. Although they hate the weather in Indiana, I am absolutely sure they will not move to Texas. (Although, that may make it on my prayer list.)

Legal issues, financial issues, health issues ... I am overwhelmed.

When she's healthy, the mother-in law is a social butterfly. Some of the activities would make her giddy -- bridge groups, hair salon, etc. But, she will never leave Hangdog. I've tried to convince him that he could make an entire new network of friends. Just think about it -- people who have never heard the stories! They'll be enthralled.

We have lots of friends who are able to advise us about care facilities. Yet, the oldies are living in an assisted living facility right now -- the husband and I are the assistants.

So, (guilt, guilt, guilt,) we're sort of kicking them out the door. Of course, we have to get all the legal, financial and health matters in order. Not to mention, the car and their personal finances.

Self-Inflicted Guilt

I should be Jewish or Catholic. Aren't these the stereotypes for guilty women? Or women who do a great job of inflicting guilt? (Before anyone sends me a hateful message -- I'm just referencing stereotypes -- I didn't say I agree with them.)

I do a great job of guilt but it's mainly directed to me. Today, I feel guilty because the mother-in-law is still in the hospital and I have not been to see her. The husband has gone every day. It's not like I've been sitting around reading or eating bon bons. I've dealt with the car. I've been unraveling the medication system. I've fed and watered hangdog three times a day, plus snacks. I've changed bed linens and started the lengthy job of doing the laundry from their trip. I've kept a couple of the relatives up to date on her condition. I've investigated (or started to) senior transportation options. I've begun gathering information on assisted living facilities. With the husband's help, I've put all the holiday decorations away. In my spare time, I've written three business proposals and paid some bills.

Yet, I still feel guilty. Although I've called twice a day, I haven't been to the hospital.

Another Crisis Averted

We woke up this morning to a snow covered world. Somewhere between two and four inches, depending on where you live. I love the snowy view, especially when I don't have to go anywhere and I can just look out the window.

Then the mother-in-law informed me that Hangdog has a doctor's appointment and they're going to venture out. She prefaced it by saying, "I know this will upset you but ..." Here's a news flash -- "upset" doesn't begin to describe it. I said, "No!" I considered, "Go to your room and stay there until I tell you it's ok to come out." I also considered stealing and hiding her keys.

This is not a necessary appointment. He is legally blind and it's an eye appointment. He is not going to regain his sight by this routine appointment. Nor is his progress (or lack thereof) going to be affected by rescheduling this appointment.

So, I decided to go with begging and a little guilt. "What if someone crashes into you?" and "What if you hit an icy patch in the parking lot and one of you falls?" and "Why do you want me to worry all day?"

They had to discuss it but thankfully, he was the voice of reason.

There was also some slight worry about not having anything for breakfast but once I proved that we had sausage, eggs, bread, milk, biscuits and juice, she relaxed. For once, I'm thrilled that she's frying up breakfast. At least she's not on the road.

An addendum: She did catch the package of sausage on fire.