Steps

When someone asks if I have children, I say yes. Although I am a stepmother (a term I loathe and avoid,) I choose to focus on the second half of the word. Mothering comes in many forms. It may be a secondary relationship in the eyes of some people but that’s a waste of a lot of love.

Odds are that you will deal with it. Even if you are one of the lucky people who marry for life and raise your biological children, you are not immune. One of those children may date or marry someone with a child. Or, your sibling will show up at the next gathering with a ready-made family.

I was introduced to this concept early. Neither of my parents was raised by their birth mother. One was blessed with a woman who considered it an honor. The other spent his childhood feeling secondary.

If you’re a step-anything, don’t show favoritism to the real children versus the stepchildren. Make a choice to step it up.

Fish Man

Yes, I'm referring to Michael Phelps. What a coup! What fun to watch each race and see history in the making. I think I rivaled his mother with tears when he won his eighth medal.

I'm glad his competition is over. He kept me up way past my bedtime for too many nights. Plus, I was so jazzed up that sleep was impossible.

Is he the greatest athlete of all time? Lots of commentators are debating this. Is he above Michael Jordan? Tiger Woods? Babe Ruth? I don't know. I just know he captured my attention and I became a cheerleader.

Sloppy Drinkers

We all know them. It's the guy who'll slosh you with red wine when you're wearing a white linen blouse. It's the woman who will tell you every dirty detail of her sex life and then will be mortified the next day. It's the teenager who swears he or she has never touched a drop but spends an inordinate amount of time cleaning the car the next morning.

I am not passing judgement. Wild Bill taught me that drunk dialing is one of the most fun activities. I have done it. I usually call my mother and she is mortified. Like all activities, drunk dialing has some rules:

You must call someone you love. You must tell them over and over again that you love them.
You must call at a weird time. Waking them is preferable.
You must pass the phone around so they can talk to total strangers.

I don't do this any more. My mother is probably relieved.

But, I still live with a sloppy drinker. She wears a collar and embodies destruction on steroids. You won't find her with a glass of red wine but I highly recommend not wearing white or anything linen if you come to my house.

Mother's Day

I've had weird dreams lately. They include conversations with the Belle and my grandmothers. Today is Mother's Day so I guess that's been on my mind.

Most women take advantage of their female parts and birth a baby or five. Some of us become mothers through a different avenue. Any 13-year old with a uterus can birth a baby. It's what you do with that child, how you teach and sweat over that defines motherhood. As the famous quote goes, "It's taking your heart out of your body and wearing it on your sleeve."

My parents will come over later and my mother and I will bicker. She will never get how much I honor and respect her. I will never forgive her for giving me her legs. She will always be my champion.

As we celebrate motherhood, here are a few quotes you might enjoy:

Joys

When you are a mother, your are never really alone in your thoughts. You are connected to your child and to all those who touch your lives. A mother always has to think twice: once for herself and once for the child. (Sophia Loren)

A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's. (Princess Diana)

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much. (Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis)

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. (Agatha Christie)

And now, some fun ones:

Whenever I'm with my mother, I feel as though I have to spend the entire time avoiding land mines. (Amy Tan)

My mother could stop you from doing anything, through a closed door even, with a single look. Without saying a word, she has that power to rip out your tonsils. (Whoopi Goldberg)

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. (Jay Leno)

If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent. (Bette Davis)

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the mothers in the world. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.

Waterbeds

Remember when everyone thought water beds were the ultimate in cool and sexy? I've never owned one but I have slept on one. It wasn't sexy. I was sleeping with my mother on a visit to see her sister.

I think it was 1983 or 1984.

My mother and I flew to Phoenix. My mother carried a sheet cake on her lap and got a little irritated when the passenger in front of her threw his seat back and almost smooshed the cake. The airline food union was on strike (this is when you actually expected a meal on a flight) so to compensate, we got free drinks. Yahoo!

The bed my mother and I slept in was not the wave less kind. (I'm not even sure they had been invented yet.) I remember each of us rolling over, trying to get comfortable and sending a tidal wave across the bed. It's hard to go back to sleep when the other person is screeching uncontrollably.

Trying to Talk Yourself Out of Trouble

This photo made me laugh. It is the photo version of my teenage years. The caption was something like, "No, we've been in the truck the whole time."

I've tried to worm my way out of things. Usually, unsuccessfully. It doesn't keep me from trying again.

Here's a few that come to my mind:

We didn't mean for the lights to be off.
We were studying all night; we just left for a second.
I don't know how my car got there... Maybe it was stolen.
I was home by curfew, you just didn't hear me come in.
Yes, some kids got in trouble last night. I don't know them.

My mother and most of the mothers in my childhood should have been in the military. Very few secrets got by them. They were their own version of Homeland Security. But we were a crafty bunch.

The Five-Second Rule

A recent study suggested that our society has become so germ phobic that we are actually harming our children. We need exposure to a certain amount of semi-harmless germs to allow our immune systems to effectively build up immunities to fight the bully ones. This is not a problem in my home.

It reminds me of mother stories. With the first child, everything is sterilized. By the third child, the instinct is to pick up the pacifier (or whatever) and blow on it. Then you just plop it back in the child's mouth.

One of my brothers-in-law told a story at the Belle's funeral. It was a homecoming celebration for his return from Vietnam. The Belle made his favorite, banana pudding. Hangdog snuck into it and somehow knocked the bowl to the floor. She scooped it up and picked out the pieces of glass. But when she served it, she warned her son, "Watch out for glass slivers."

I've never gone quite this far. But I did find myself crawling on the bathroom floor last night because I dropped my sinus medication. I found it. I took it.

Reckless Mothers

So, I'm watching the interview with the mother of the 6-year old daughter who was trying to win tickets to see Hannah Montana. The mother helped her write a completely false essay about losing her father in Iraq. Turns out, the father is alive and well. The contest people decided she did not deserve the tickets. (Duh!) The mother went on national television to apologize for her role in this fiasco.

Maybe it's a sign of my age but the mother looked about 18-years old to me. Then she mentioned that she has two other children.

In her well-crafted, attorney-drafted statement, she sounded remorseful. Then she made the crucial mistake of answering questions. One question was, "What's the worst thing about all of this?"

She's had to move from her apartment. She didn't mention that her daughter has been taught that cheating and lying is ok. I could go on and on. Her answer was, "I had to shut down my My Space page." This made me crazy.

Britney Spears has once again lost custody of her children. She refuses to comply with those silly court-ordered things like drug tests, visitation rights, etc. Now she's OD'd or had a nervous breakdown and was rushed to the hospital. Her 16-year old sister is pregnant. The mother (Lynne) was writing a book about parenting. The publisher has decided to shelve it. If you were pregnant or the mother of a young child, isn't this the person you would turn to for parental advice?

I have a mother who checks on me daily to make sure I'm ok. She brings me things like notebooks and pens because she knows my affection for school/office supplies. She sends me food.

If I tried to win a contest by writing an essay, she would've made me write it myself. (But she would've helped with proofreading.)

Good mothers let you know that they are always in your corner. They also pick you up, prop you up, point a direction and insist that you stand on your own two feet.