Grandma Got Run Over by a Narcotic

There are certain Christmas songs I love and others I loathe.

I don't like:

The Twelve Days of Christmas -- Don't like the birds.
The Little Drummer Boy -- All that "Rump a Pump Pump" gives me a headache.
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
That Alvin song with the rodents
Any song where the artist tries to hip hop or jazz up a traditional hymn.

I especially dislike "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." But I've found a way to make it tolerable. I've written new lyrics that I sing in my mind.

Grandma got run over by a narcotic, while she was being kicked out the door.
Grandpa took one or more too. We could hardly get him up off the floor.

Feel free to sing along.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
They're in Texas and as for me and my house, we believe.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

I'm having a real problem with this song. I've sort of always hated it.

It's on the holiday list on my iPod but every time it comes on, I leap for the remote. I understand the symbolism because I'm a geek and I looked it up. In case you don't know, I'll share it with you.

One ... Refers to God.
Two ... Refers to the Old and New Testaments.
Three ... Refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues.
Four ... Refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists.
Five ... Refers to the first Five books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch," which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
Six ... Refers to the Six days of creation.
Seven ... Refers to the Seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments.
Eight ... Refers to the Eight beatitudes.
Nine ... Refers to the Nine fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Ten ... Refers to the Ten commandments.
Eleven ... Refers to the Eleven faithful apostles.
Twelve ... Refers to the Twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed.

I can't enjoy the symbolism and the religious meaning. I can't get beyond the birds:

Partridge
Turtle Doves
French Hens
Calling Birds
Geese
Swans

I'll just take the five golden rings and skip the birds.