Tests for Oldies

Dave Barry (The Miami Herald) is one of my favorite comical writers. In fact, if I need a giggle, I reread "The Book of Bad Songs."

I hate those segments the morning shows constantly do about health. I'm having coffee and cereal -- I don't want to discuss lumps and tests. I hate these "awareness months." Aren't we all aware of breast cancer, colon cancer, heart disease all year? Is there someone who has not had this touch his or her life?

But, a friend sent this to me and it is worth sharing.

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:>
> ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
> showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
> to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
> Minneapolis .
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
> really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
> 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
> prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
> large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
> detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
> to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
> nervous.. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
> solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
> water, only with less flavor.
>
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
> powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm
> water. For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
> gallons.)
>
> Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of
> goat
> spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
> great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
> jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
> here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
> pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times when you wish
> the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined

> to the
> bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
> when you figure you mus t be totally empty, you have to drink
> another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
> your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
> have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
> morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
> was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
> if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
> like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
> understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said..
> Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
> went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put
> on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
> kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
> when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
> hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
> I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their MoviPrep.
>
> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
> pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
> to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
> Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
> not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
> over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
> something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in
> the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba.
> I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
> during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the
> least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me.
>
> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time,the moment I had been dreading
> for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
> because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
> was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
> shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and
> the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
> mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
> felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it
> was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
> have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
> Herald.
>
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were
> quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are
> actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or
> after their colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
> before!
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'>
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> 13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'
>
> And the best one of all..
>
> 14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
> up there?