The Best Pooper

If you've ever potty trained a child, you know that we will all go to humiliating lengths to accomplish the goal. Cheerios in the toilet? I've done it. I still tease the baby that his urges always came during dinner and then he would yell for me. If you need to lose a few pounds, potty train a child. Dinner never seems quite as appetizing after you've praised the waste.

I'm a big clapper. I used to clap when the baby did his job. When I was housebreaking the puppy, I would clap and announce, "You're the best pooper in the neighborhood!" Big Daddy asked me to please stop doing this. He was afraid someone might overhear and discover my secret dementia.

One of my girlfriends struggled through Alzheimer's and dementia with her parents. They lived in Florida so she saw them sporadically. On one of her last visits, they had put a pink, plastic toilet in the middle of the living room. She convinced her mother to go out for a bit and when they returned, her father announced, "I had a BM." Her mother clapped and jumped up and down. (I'm glimpsing my future -- this will be me.)

Living with the oldies involves discussing a lot of bathroom issues. I hate it. But, I am certain not to overeat when it happens around dinner time.